Pliers with a Purpose

Yesterday, I found a pair of pliers at my parent's house. Now, normally, I would ask myself if I cared and my self would answer, "...No. Why are you even asking yourself that question?" (which gets a little confusing when your own self starts talking to yourself. Just stay with me). At any rate, I did care. Because it was actually a pair of multi-purpose pliers, complete with several blades and what looked to be a nail file...though it probably does something different entirely, such as scrubbing off the stain on that plate that you really should have washed the night before, or perhaps something more manly like rubbing off a beaver's nose (I don't know. I don't know what they do all day. Men, that is).
I asked my dad if I could have them, expecting him to say something like, "don't be a cotton-headed ninny-muggins." but he said I could have them. I held it in my hands, testing the weight and durability and, less importantly, the fact that I could make it stand by itself. What an interesting contraption. Someone who invented a pair of pliers with several blades on it must have had led a pretty adventurous life, or perhaps lived on an island where he had to change a lot of tires.

So I got me to wondering.

How many purposes can a multi-purpose pair of pliers actually have?

My mom had a go at it.

"You could use it to pluck your nose hairs."

Tempting, oh cherished parent of mine. But I'll pass. I think I have come up with a list that I may or may not use them for:

1. Pull up your socks when you're wearing boots.
2. Bring it with you to restaurants in case they've run out of silverware. I'm sure this happens a lot.
3. Opening up the stupid child-proof things that have been stupidly invented for adults that just need some peace of mind or a pickle.
4. Instead of trying to open cereal bag and ripping it everywhere and from that point on having your cereal forever getting trapped in the black hole that is the box.......cut it with a knife.
5. When your friend has something in their teeth? Cut it with a knife.
6. Thread on your shirt that could go around the world twice? Cut it with a knife. (or just buy a new shirt. Unless it's your favorite shirt that's falling apart. If it is....it's time to let go).
7. When your washing machine is broken, hold the pliers and stare longingly into the pit that is your machine, and maybe by simply holding them you'll be a better repairman. Or wasting your time, depending on if the washing machine is half empty or half full.
8. Pull out all of the blades and pretend you're Wolverine.

So, actually, for being a practical tool.....

I have no idea what I'm going to use it for.

But I still feel pretty awesome with it in my purse. And one of these days someone is going to be carrying a jar of pickles in the park and they're going to say, "golly. Wish I had a multi-purpose pair of pliers to open these with. Or maybe just a hug." And I'll jump out from behind a tree like Wolverine and they'll have a heart attack and die and I'll get all of their pickles.

I never said it would end happily. I just said it would serve a purpose.